Data Rules! Teacher Evaluation Must Be Tied To Standardized Tests!

It’s perfectly fair.

Standardized tests mean just that: everybody gets the same test.  It’s multiple guess. Just take your pencil and bubble in a), b), c) or d).  Piece of cake. Everybody has a 25% chance of getting the right answer.  That totally levels the playing field, right?

Teachers, please stop whining if you’re afraid your students aren’t so good at guessing. So they may have just arrived in the US and don’t speak English.  So they might have disabilities.  So what?  Your job is to teach them how to guess well.  Give them old standardized tests to practice with.  Drill them ’till they improve their odds.  Maybe you could get somebody from Gamblers Anonymous to help out in your class.  GA’s are supposed to do service as part of their recovery.  Be creative! Your job’s on the line.

Actually, tying data to job performance is a brilliant idea.  Simple. Elegant.  Data is easy to collect and upload and, as a bonus, doing this stimulates the economy.  There are gazillions to be made creating new exams, collecting and scoring data.  It’s a time saver in the work place, too.  Bosses can study spreadsheets without leaving their offices.  No employee observations necessary.   Let’s think bigger.  Imagine how great our country would be if data ruled all the professions?

Medicine?  What if…?

…Surgeons: How many of your patients die in one yearOver 65%?  License revoked. Back to counter duty at the vitamin shop.

…Psychiatrists?  Two successful suicides over a 12 month period – you get a “U” rating and re-assignment as a sentry on the nearest suspension bridge.

…Dermatologists, Gerontologists, Emergency Room specialists?  You fail to cure chronic itching,  persistent irritable bowel syndrome, and there’s a >4 hour waiting period for a stroke victim?  Throw all the data into the computer.  Rank ’em.  Deliver the pink slips.

Other professions?

…Politicians?  (To prevent a system crash from data overload, we need to go easy on them.)  OK, you’re allowed 20 lies per annum.   You’re caught in #21 plus prevarications?  Your seat is vacated and it’s back to your B-job: loan shark.  Keep that data coming.

How ’bout other public servants?  Lessee..

Firefighters?  Simple arithmetic.  Too many fires breaking out in your neighborhood?  Your fault.  Shut down the station and bring in a swarm o’ suits to figure out how to get those inflammatory numbers down.

…Police?  Crime rate on your beat going through the roof?  Ciao.

And let’s not forget…

Lawyers?  Lose 18% of frivolous personal injury cases and you’re barred from within 200 feet of any ambulance.

Undertakers? Your days are numbered.


8 thoughts on “Data Rules! Teacher Evaluation Must Be Tied To Standardized Tests!

    1. Elizabeth Rose Post author

      You and I couldn’t agree more, Phyl. In moderation, ok…but now we’re hanging so much on their outcomes (teacher jobs, funding per student, etc.) Original thinking is the goal! For sure. Thanks for writing. E

  1. D.D. Jackson

    Your logic on the subject matter of testing (and what should similarly follow if this concept is carried through to it’s natural conclusion in other spheres :-)) is flawless (not to mention hilarious!) Thanks for posting this!

    1. Elizabeth Rose Post author

      You betcha. Speaking of other spheres, just as I read your post, two coyotes and a 5 turkey vultures (locals call them “buzzards”) alighted on my land, just 50 feet away from me. Now if that ain’t Halloween foreshadowing, I don’t know what is.

  2. amy

    dear “Yo Miz”…this blog entry is:
    a. perceptive
    b. funny
    c. intelligently written
    d. all of the above
    (see below for answer to “standardized reply”

    answer: d

  3. Jan Bass

    You have found a new calling, Elizabeth! Love the blog…I will forward to my friends who are still dealing with this non-stop testing nonsense. A friend of mine who is a RR teacher in a high school in San Jose is experiencing the same headache. The new principal (oh dear…Mr. “New Broom”) simply gave out the marching orders….all students will go to a 4 year college…all students will graduate with no less than a 2.0… all teachers will individually coach each student to meet this expectation. No questions asked….just make this happen “on paper”, please!
    The kids are frustrated along with the teachers who know them so well…we don’t discuss the fact that some of these students could thrive in their own way with alternatives to a 4 year college. The world has gone mad, indeed.
    Best, Jan

    1. Elizabeth Rose Post author

      Is it too paranoid to think that with all this emphasis on these tests that “some” want to prepare the next gen NOT to think for themselves? After all, individual thinking is essential for a democracy to thrive. Education is so dangerous: it’s preventive medicine, after all. Thanks so much for following and spreading the word. We’ll tawk:)


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