Monthly Archives: October 2012

Earn $15 Million In Your Spare Time At Home!

Yes! That’s right! Just follow the example of Wild Billy Lager, the founder and CEO of ECOT, the Electronic Classroom of Tomorrow.

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Here’s how you do it:

  • Start an online charter school.
  • Receive $60 million in state funding your first year.
  • Receive another $13.5 million combined federal funds.
  • And…collect another $2.8 million from Race To The Top.
  • Pay yourself $3 million in salary.
  • Start another company that sells software to online charter schools. Profits? $12 million.

Then…
Donate $221,000 to political candidates who will continue to enthusiastically support your school biz.

It’s easy.

  • You can run a whole school “district” without even having to get a superintendent’s license.
  • It totally doesn’t matter that your schools are only graduating 35% of your students.
  • You don’t have any buildings to heat, no student lunches to provide, no transportation issues.
  • You are free of pesky student problems. Especially the really needy ones.
  • You only have to pay your teachers an average of $34,000 per year. (Average for brick-and-mortar school teachers is way up there…around $56,000.)

Read all about it:
http://www.plunderbund.com/2011/05/01/mr-governor-shut-this-school-district-down/

For more money-making tips, please go to: http://www.iloveberniemadoff.com

Or check out Warren White, (aka, The Great White Shark) running rackets in Gotham City. Batman is fighting to keep him from seizing GC’s lucrative school superintendency.

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Kinda cute, isn’t he?

Racist To The Top: Florida Wins!

Florida has figured out how to close the achievement gap in education (so they can win a barrel of bucks through Race To The Top, the US Dept of Ed’s risible “reform.”) I’m going to tell you how their boffo State Board of Education came up with a brilliant plan.  But first, in case you’re in the dark, I need to clue you into what we mean by “achievement gap.”  Basically, when you measure students’ progress in math, reading and the “less important” subjects, guess what you generally find?  Rich, white and Asian kids from the burbs generally do better on standardized tests than African-American and Hispanic kids from underserved ‘hoods. Shocking, huh?  These low scores pull down our whole country’s education ratings. Compared to Finland, we’re toast.  So here’s how Florida’s imaginative SBOE is going to close the gap:  segregate the races via expectations.

As stated on page 169 of their agenda:  By 2018, 90% Asian students, 88% white students, 81% Hispanic students and 74% African-American students shall read at or above grade level.  The numbers are similar for math goals.  That’s right, Florida’s SBOE has discounted its expectations for African-Americans at 16% off the Asian expectation.  Could you ask for more?

Now isn’t that a great idea?  That’s like setting your bathroom scale’s zero to minus 35 pounds so every time you mount it, bingo! You’ve achieved your Ideal weight!  Time for a banana split, huh?

Florida is also setting different expectations for kids based on what district they live in, whether they have learning disabilities or aren’t so great with the Eeengleesh language.

OMG, we have to run with this idea.  Impose  expectation segregation (expectregation?  segretation?) across the US and we’re going to claw our way back to number one in the world in education again!  Yo, Finland, better watch yer back!  It’s gonna be a mad smackdown!
Perhaps there are some more variables we can measure to help close that achievement gap.  Any ideas?  I can think of a few we can segregate out in order to raise our scores.  How ’bout..

Hangnails?  Naah.  Bad idea.  Too hard to measure.  We need rigorous standardization.  OK…how ’bout…

…the height of the forehead…the distance between eyes…the width of the nose at its bridge…various angles of measurement of the jaw.
Hmmm.  I’m getting a strange feeling that I’ve heard about this kind of measuring human physiology before.  Give me a minute…I’ll think of it.

Blood tests?  I failed mine.

Meanwhile, imagine all the ways we can save money using state-of-the-art technology.  Facial recognition software, for instance.  Just scan the student yearbook in order to assess kids.  No bubble sheets required.  And why stop with students? Just evaluate teachers with photo ID cards. No in-class observations necessary.  Think of the money saved.  I’m lovin’ this. Once we get the scores we can,

  • Give the top kids great schools and throw alot of money at them.
  • Keep the low expectation groups home, give them an old laptop with dial up internet and enroll them in a cyber charter school.  They can sit in front of a screen all day and learn at their own pace.  You don’t have to heat a building, hire a custodian or even a teacher.  Use robots to grade them.  With all the profits, we could invest more in prisons and surveillance technology.  It all sounds so cool.

It’s just going to take some more think-tanking to figure out how to deal with students who don’t neatly fall into these segregated categories.  I mean, how would you deal with a young Tiger Woods or Barack Obama?

I’m sure Florida’s SBOE can figure this out.  Let the sunshine in.

Attention All Bankers!! Tax liability soiling your pretty new money? Bring it to the Charter School Laundromat. You’re gonna clean up!

That’s right.  Bankers, equity fund managers, greed heads…

You can invest in charter schools and DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IN SEVEN YEARS!  Awesome, huh?

You gotta thank Congress for passing the “New Markets tax credit” back in 2000.  The idea was to give you fashionable financiers and elegant equity fund managers a mongo tax credit when you invest in community projects in underserved areas.   Oh boy!  What a great way to profit from poor people.  All you gotta do is open the door and…

Welcome to the Charter School Laundromat!

Push the button to begin:

Wash cycle:

  • Lend money to a charter school in the ‘hood.
  • Receive a 39% tax credit over the next seven years.  Ca-ching!
  • Collect interest on the money you’re lending. Ca-ching a-ling!

Spin cycle:

  • Your PR guy sends out a press release showing everybody how your pretty money is helping the poor children of color. You don’t have to even visit the school. A picture of you is Photoshopped into a shot of the students surrounding you in the school’s hallway.  You achieve your high school dream: you’re finally popular.

Dry cycle:

  • No need to separate this New Markets tax credit from the others you’re getting.  Take all your federal tax credits and throw ‘em all in together:  New Markets, job creation, historic preservation, brownfields.  They all clean up quite well together.  And the best part?  There’s no ironing necessary.

Extra Tough Stains?

Got some heavy stains that won’t clean up? Students with learning disabilities? A few emotionally disturbed little ones? A herd of new English language learners?  Yes, you know – the ones who tend to lower your school’s overall achievement scores?  No problem.  Cull them out and pile ’em on the bus to a public school.  Don’t worry; your tax credits will not be affected.

Remember… You are always welcome at the Charter School Laundromat:

Where whites stay bright and colors stay put.

CAUTION:  KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN.  HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED.

Thanks to Juan Gonzalez of The Daily News for the scoop. (I’ve met him.  He’s a righteous dude. His latest book:  “News For All The People:  The Epic Story of Race and the American Media” by Juan Gonzalez and Joseph Torres)

Wanna See All The Art Supplies for a NYC High School With 630 Students???

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That’s right. 650 students. Total art supplies: one cardboard box with some paper and a few colored pencils. No pencil sharpener.

In my upcoming book about my adventures teaching in 25 Manhattan public high schools last year, (working title: “Yo Miz”) you can read all about this travesty. These kids are starved for the arts. I know. I was there. I asked them. They told me. They want music. They want painting. They want sculpture. They want to go on trips.

Their school is a short 20 minute subway ride to the Metropolitan Museum of Art but these students have never been there. BTW, the Met and a number of other museums offer free admission, free tours and gift tickets of family admissions to NYC public school students. All you have to do is ask.

Evidently, nobody at this school has thought about asking.

Oh well…maybe somebody will buy the kids a pencil sharpener.

Wanna see it again?

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Calling on the Tooth Fairy and The Avengers for American education reform

“Massachusetts is #1 in education…” Mitt Romney in last night’s debate.

Today, Diane Ravitch points out why Massachusetts is the top state in education:

“The Massachusetts reforms were passed by the Legislature ten years before Romney became Governor in 2003. The reforms doubled state funding of public education from $1.3 billion in 1993 to $2.6 billion by 2000; provided a minimum foundation budget for every district; committed to develop strong curricula for subjects such as science, history, the arts, foreign languages, mathematics, and English; implemented a new testing program; expanded professional development for teachers; and tested would-be teachers. In the late 1990s, again before Romney assumed office, the state added new funds for early childhood education.”

It’s The Magic Formula, right? Money for every district, rich curriculum, PD and more funds for the pre K’s!  Who wouldn’t want The Magic Formula implemented in every American school district?  Whoops. Looks like it’s Romney.

Dr. Ravitch adds,

“So, yes, the Massachusetts reforms were costly, but Romney has no plans to fund anything new other than charters and vouchers, which were not part of his state’s academic success.”

But now that we have uncovered The Magic Formula, we can issue a distress call for help.  We can ask The Tooth Fairy for the money and call on Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, and Hawkeye to strong-arm the enforcement of rich curricula across our land. I know, it’s a little “top down” in style, but to soften the Formula’s spur, the Black Widow can lead the professional development sessions.

American education must be saved from the brink of disaster now and forever.  To insure this, the position of Secretary of Education shall become a permanent federal appointment (much like the head of the FBI).  The honor shall go to…

(cue the flugelhorn fanfare)

Captain America.